It’s intentionally wrong. March 9, 2009

I don’t read. Anymore. I don’t read anymore. I used to. A lot. Now? Not so much. See? Look at that. Can’t even form complete sentences. Anymore. Can’t even form compl–haha I’m done.

I have no idea what happened. I know sometimes you fade in and out of hobbies, but reading? You ALWAYS do that. And even people that say they don’t read probably read magazines that include articles about the fifteen latest hair trends or the new [insert car part here] in [insert car model here]. But I don’t read, period. I used to read a ton ‘o books. During my summer job I would get through three books a week. I had a lot of down time, I wasn’t slacking.

I have a subscription to Rolling Stone and I browse it. I decide on the articles I will read later on, put it down and only touch it again if it’s in the way. I don’t read on moving things because it makes me sickly. I don’t read when I’m in my room because I have a computer to do cooler shit on and a bed that I can sleep in. The rest of the house is never quiet enough. I don’t work so there isn’t even anything to say about that. I mean, in normal workplaces you wouldn’t read but when you have the morning shift at a tanning salon during the summer without internet access, you do.

Last weekend I was on the subway and without my ipod for some devastating reason I’m sure, and a lot of people were reading. Even the guy standing in front of me was highlighting while reading. This is amazing mostly because my lack of balance makes a feat like that virtually impossible for the likes of me. But anyway, I felt like some plebeian, out of the intelligence loop. Even all the ads were about reading. Or learning English…so you can read it. I thought about it for a while. Then I drank a lot and forgot about it.

Til today!

Last week my mom gave me a gift certificate to Amazon. Her rewards card actually gives her rewards. What a concept. LEARN IT CHASE/VISA/DISNEY. She doesn’t really do much online if it has more steps than ‘hit send’, so I get to reap the rewards. I knew exactly what book I wanted and just about bought it that night. But the poor in me decided to wait it out. Free money means spend it as intelligently as possible. I wasn’t really in the mood to shop around, so I put it off and went off to catch up on Naruto or something equally as embarrassing.

Today I decided to go ahead with my plan. I figured that I might be able to squeeze out five books and forgo shipping if I spend like, a dollar of my actual money. I went to bargain books and then to their 4-for-3 deals. Quite frankly, I didn’t get it. I click on ‘$5 and under’ on bargain books and none of the books that were in the 4-for-3 deal were on there and yet a bajillion of them were under $5. Whatever Amazon, you have issues. In any case, I got eight books and free shipping with only paying $1.07 of real money.

What eight you might ask?

I kinda forgot already. They were the kind of books you hear about all the time but never read. One was Moby Dick. When I think of that book the only thing that pops in my head is that scene in Pinocchio when that whale eats him or whatever goes on in that crazy movie. I figured this was inaccurate.

One book was short stories about some guy that helps people commit suicide. It was by the guy that wrote Treasure Island. Back it up. Thinking out loud: isn’t a book of short stories all about the same guy essentially just a book with chapters? I’ll take this up with the dead author after I get through it.

Nevermind the fact that I can’t remember what I got, I will read them. I’m kinda sick of my life right now and this is definitely a progressive step. I’m not letting my brain turn into mush. You will never win Alec Baldwin.

It makes me feel bad for the unfinished books on my shelf. Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell is the longest book in the history of man, earth and time so I got maybe a third through. A few details are rather fuzzy, and names are important so I would have to start from the beginning again and quite frankly, NO. I started reading a book about American leaders while in Florida, and if I had started it earlier I probably would have finished. But I didn’t and at the end of my stay I was working everyday and drunk a lot more often. It is the kind of book you can just pick up again, and maybe I will. I have a trip coming up and I think I’m okay on planes. Plus Southwest has no TVs. What a joke, that airline. The Maltese Falcon, The Losers’ Club, Another Bullshit Night in Suck City, Glamorama, Possible Side Effects, Children Playing Before a Statue of Hercules, Kick Me. Never even touched. Why am I buying more?

If all else fails and I don’t even read them, at least they diversify my bookshelves. I can fake smart. I can fake smart good.

Totally late night thinkings October 10, 2008

Last night I was trying my best to fall asleep to no avail. 4:11am rolled around and I was thinking about at least ten things at once and a question floated into my head arising from a situation I had created in my mind. Said situation could totally happen, but only the beginnings of it. No way to know how people will react to other people, so anything past the concept of this situation is moot. So I got to thinking about this question and it was obviously enough of a labor that I fell asleep soon after. Side note: if I ever say “I got to thinking” again I’m going to shoot myself in the face, Carrie Bradshaw has effectively ruined a benign statement. That question is as follows (I wrote it down in the dark!),

Does having the majority of my friends be guys, make it virtually impossible for me to perceive any male in any other way? Or even accept one that is any different?

A little history I guess is needed. My best friend in the whole wide world in elementary school was a boy. He had a kick ass cat, Smokey, gerbils, one of the first ever Macs and a fucking NordicTrack in his basement. Plus, hello? Sega Genesis. Also a pool. Kids like other kids with pools. We were really close until I was basically forced into a BFF relationship with the new girl in town. She sought me out, invited me over and I was always like “…I guess”. From that point on I think I realized that that is how it’s supposed to be. Girls are friends with girls so we can do each other’s make-up and talk about boys. I think it is apparent how closely I held these people to me, as I am friends with none of them today. Okay, one. I can’t even count how many girls I had called my best friend and then a year later it was completely different. Stupid.

Stupid because I was always a daddy’s girl. I played loads of sports and loved getting dirty. The girliest thing I owned was an American Girl doll (Samantha, what up!), but it wasn’t like I played with her, those dolls were all for show. Then when they came out with the create your own they became more like playdolls. And I stopped caring, naturally. I was a Legos, Nok-hockey kind of gal and I didn’t mind. I had a brother that would obviously partake in these activities with me so there was never any sense that it wasn’t gender correct, I guess. So..I was a tomboy, to sum that up. And then I was effectively taken out of that and became too aware of other people, as any teenage girl does, and changed my outlook. Once again, stupid.

I get to college and hate one of my roommates, but love the gay she introduces me to. Said gay introduces me to people that I will one day become very close with, a bunch of dudes. Freshman year I’m attached by the hip to two other girls, who I do hold dear to my heart, but don’t talk to anymore. Sophomore year when I started hanging out with the aforementioned dudes, I felt like these were people worth knowing. Something about guys is so comforting. So..simple and drama free even when there is drama. They have it made, really.

I feel like this is all disjointed and I’m just throwing shit out there but bear with me?

They didn’t all have girlfriends, but I’m not saying this changes anything. True, you have to find something attractive about a person to even be friends with them, but I never saw any of these guys on any other level. Probably because my eye was on a prize that had been introduced already? But whatever, my future husband was kind of a disconnected part of this group so he isn’t part of this. So, they were all fun people with no problems on the surface. Happy go lucky bunch that loved having more people around that the average person can take. Everyday there was something interesting to talk about, to do, to make fun of. And when they got to be too much with their sports and video games, there’s their girlfriends! These four great ladies that I had a lot in common with and were just as fun as their significant others. It was for the most part perfect.

Being comfortable in a room with six or more guys is tough I think for a girl, but I managed. I’ve always had a thick skin and sharp tongue so I could hold my own. Having the ability to make a room full of guys laugh hysterically isn’t a bad quality either. So when the crude humor came out, the sexual innuendos, I could care less. I would get told things that if told on the street I would be seriously offended. It was clear that my vision was becoming blurred when it came to the difference between friendly conversation and something more, for better or worse. Because coming from these guys it was nothing more than harmless, flippant and for the most part forgotten in ten minutes. This has become my problem. I was told by these gentlemen once I graduated that I was going to get raped because I just laugh along and make light of quite serious issues. This has not happened, so ha!

When in Florida I was confused by one guy’s existence in my life. He was always excited to see me, would try to extend passing hello’s into conversation, yell my name across the park just to say goodbye, or even break out a hardy wave across the cafeteria before coming over to ask about my day so far. I don’t know why this all seemed so foreign to me! I just got used to a certain way of conversing with the opposite sex and this was not it. Plus he was oh so adorable, so that shit did not help at all. But I guess the way he approached me just didn’t seem right. Like I couldn’t see myself being happy with a nice guy. Isn’t that sick?

On the flip side, because of the uncomfortable talk that I was so comfortable having, I can’t ever figure out when it’s more than friendly conversation in that realm. Being told by three guys you’re quite close to, that they would do nasty thing to your chest and not even batting an eye would do this. Mostly because the conversation would go much the same way with these guys I’ve been friends with for upwards of four years now, but someone that doesn’t know of these kinds of relationships wouldn’t be aware of my comfortability (made up words ftw!) in this, right? So, it would be safe to assume that there are things I can assume? I don’t even know of this makes sense. Dang. How am I supposed to figure it out without asking if there’s intention behind those words or if my humor and boundaries are apparent enough to an outsider that they feel instantly comfortable enough to go there? Or what if they actually are my exact male equivalent? No… that’s disturbing a little.

Plus I’m convinced I would suck at a long-term relationship so I’m not exactly looking for it. I never understood why you would have to call someone before they go to sleep…just to tell them you’re still alive? What if nothing of value happened that day? I’m not big on bullshit so phones generally don’t work for me. I guess I haven’t really met anyone that I would voluntarily spend every waking moment with. Whatever, nobody is good enough for me! Ha, I wish it was that easy. I’m not going to get all depressing and act like this is a big deal to me because it isn’t. I have never really valued relationships for the long term, fixing/mantaining them has never been high on my to-do list and I don’t see it ever being that way. I also have the problem of being attracted to people and then once they’re in my sights, I’m completely over it. Maybe something happened in my childhood that broke me emotionally and now I can never tie myself to one person. Lawlz. Whatever, it’ll happen one day I guess.

It would suck being an old hag though. I have too many gay friends already, so maybe I should get a move on…